Love, I want that. No matter how many times I say it doesn’t exist. No matter what my actions speak. No matter what words come out of my mouth. In my heart I know that it is exactly what I want. Ugh, fuck !

Need to get back on track .

I feel like I’m slowly drifting away from my goals. No good ! Got too many distractions & too many problems. One problem after another. Just don’t know when it’ll all die down. I miss the good ol’ days but we’re never gonna get them back. Just gotta face reality and pull my shxt together. -__- God help me !

Untitled.

So at the moment, I am all over the place.

It seems as if life is just a race.

Gotta compete with everyone to get what I want.

Why can’t I just have you to flaunt?

They say I chose the wrong guy

But the one I want loves to deny

He’s crazy in love with this other girl

Calling her constantly, giving her the world.

My feelings seem to hop from one to another

I know people mind, but to me they’re just a bother

They’re simply my entertainment for the moment

To give me attention and let me vent

While my heart remains with that one guy

Everything now broken, I want to cry.

In hope for a better tomorrow

I will get past all this sorrow.

I’m focusing on a brigher future

Ready to rid my life of all this torture.

In search of someone who will truly make me smile

And love me all the while. :)

His Melody

It happened the moment I shut my eyes

My surroundings changed on each side

To the left there was a woman in rags

And to the right a man carrying bags

And there I stood, in a daze

The world seemed like one huge maze

With the people all disfigured and poor

It was one huge eyesore.

But as I walked up to the lady she disappeared

And from that I turned to the man but just as I feared

He was gone as well with no trace left

It was cold and dark and my eyes got wet

But just as I started to cry

A figure passed me by

Singing sweet tunes that melted my heart

And for that moment I forgot the dark

I fell in love with his voice

Not by force, but by choice

And in my heart I felt this connection

It led me in one direction

To that figure who I vowed to see

Because with him I wanted to be

I knew that with him my fear would rest

And no more would I feel distressed

But at that moment when I was next to him

Everything around me again grew dim

And I was torn away from that beautiful person

Leaving me again with pain that worsened

Then everything around me grew bright

Even though my heart wanted to turn off the light

My feeling of sadness was taken away

But though it was, I still felt the pain.

Once again the scene had changed

But it was one that had previously came

I saw the woman and man

And just like that I awake to a “BAM”

It is eating at my soul. Feeding off my weaknesses. Tearing at me from within. Filing me with terror. My guilt takes over and everything calm turns to storms. This war within will be the death of me.

It’s this kind of pain that keeps me going. The rush I get from it pushes me to do what I need to do. Let me out, my mind tells me. this !Set me free ! Enough of this !  Revenge is what I need. It’s what I yearn for, it’s the closure I need. But how may I achieve this? Death is the only option. If it means me going down as well, yes! I will. I will earn my grave by killing you off. Die !

It feels as if my life is becoming to chaotic. As if everything thats happening is too much to take . As if achieving my goals are impossible. As if living my dream only happens in my dreams. As if getting a simple A is too much for me to do. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont how much of it I can take anymore. They all say that I’m too pessimistic, but it’s hard to be optimistic when it seems like everything is impossible. Having such high expectations seem to be a bad thing :/

Is it wrong to set your goals low because you are afraid of failure? To me, I think that failure is what’s stopping everyone from going after their dream? An Ivy League college, to me, is way harder to get in .. for an athlete its like going pro. I feel like I can only dream, but not actually achieve it .. It seems so distant, and that the only way that I’ll be attending that amazing school is in my dreams .. My fear of not making it is killing me, and I think that instead of using it to help me go after my dream .. its actually bringing me down .. I really don’t know what to do .. People say I’m a dreamkiller .. believe me, you dont have to live with my mind, I have a daily battle going on in my head .. Every second of the day I think about my decisions and whether that one decision will affect the rest of my future .. and whether that one thing will cost me everything .. :/ so, at the end of the day behind this fake exterior .. I’m just a scared little girl :/